Archive | March, 2012

Beast rising…

29 Mar

Here we go again. The beast has been unleashed. I’ve been quite good all year – either by contentment or lack of mental energy. But now Spring Break and my trip to Portland has brought back all my restlessness; has brought back my anxiousness and dream-like ambitions.

Current facts:

  • I’m not content right now
  • I get down if I think that this is all my life is going to amount to
  • I see /feel no energy around me – in this town

I want something else. I want to feel like I’m living; but in a way that “fits.” I was talking to my friend Natalie this morning about how some things just “fit” – while others, whether they be good for money, status, personality, or whatever, “don’t’.” Some things fit okay at the beginning, but like a bad pair of shoes, begin to hurt or show discomfort after wearing them for any length of time. I’m not sure yet what part(s) of my life doesn’t fit – all I know is that I’m ready for a new pair of shoes. At least right now. But I don’t know where to find those shoes, or if I should get something more casual or dressy. I don’t even know what that means.

At any rate, I don’t know what I’m doing with life or myself. I never feel like I’m there, or that I have “it”, or that I even know truly what “it” is. And I‘ve had this feeling a lot. All I know is that I’m 26, and I don’t want to be stuck. And I want to be creative, and I want to have a life that I’ve created versus one that is thrust upon me by others or by an indifferent society.

I am so sick of having no life this year. Of stressing out about lesson plans, school, grades. I am tired of working so hard for what feels like little reward at the moment. I just want to finish my book. Then I want to work on another book.

Perhaps this all sounds whiney. I’m sorry if it does. Maybe I am just whining – or maybe I just need more sleep. But when I wake up, I know the feelings will still be simmering below the surface. Always there, asking: Why are you caging yourself? Why are you not free? Why can’t you just follow your dreams – whatever they may be?

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My real new year

17 Mar

Last weekend I went hiking, did some writing on the trail, and watched a documentary (three hours!) on Joseph Campbell. I also walked around my neighborhood and explored areas I haven’t yet explored. The feeling of spring always makes me so happy and contemplative – and those activities listed above are my contemplative “strategies” – along with simply going slower, being more mindful and aware.  Spring, to me, is really when the new year starts.

Of course, I’m not original in this thinking. Pagans, and correct me if I’m wrong, celebrated “easter” as the birth of a new year – as symbolized by the egg (birth). This tradition was taken up by christianity, but to weaker ends. But it just never made sense to me to celebrate a new year in the dead of winter. What’s new about continual deadness? Cold and snow? (I’m in Montana remember.)

So for the past few weeks, I’ve been celebrating my own personal new year. Graduate school is coming to an end, my first year of teaching high school English and college composition is also coming to an end. Spring break is around the corner, and summer isn’t much further away. But along with these external changes, my new year comes with some inner contemplations. With the new spring, I ask: What do I want to change? How do I want to live my life differently? What do I want to do differently this year? I ask these because it’s easy to become mired in repetition, and worse, to become rote to your own existence.

Spring is a time to project out – to start new processes, create new dreams, new challenges, and to BE. Spring speaks to new actions, whereas, autumn speaks to reflection of those actions.

Do you want to start a new year with me? What kind of person do you want to be this year? How do you want to live your life? Are you happy? Are you satisfied with the course of your life? Remember: the fool is the person who expects different results with the same actions. Change it up as the world changes along with you, and that, to me, is how a new year should begin: the figurative birth of new plans, new visions, new actions, a new, better, more humane self.

To blog? To sleep?

6 Mar

This is my current conundrum. So why not mix the best of both and blog about sleeping? Nah. That sounds boring. Instead, I’ll wander aimlessly until I feel there’s enough ‘content’ to hit the little publish button. (Warning: stop reading now – this blog has nothing truly to say). So I have been writing many blog posts this week (two tonight, in fact). But I guess I’m not really writing a “blog” post considering I’m writing them on paper – so really, it’s more of a … what’s the word? journal entry? diary? Hmm… those seem so old and outdated.

The irony of this whole writing many blogs situation is that I am absolutely swamped with things to do this week. Yet, yet, I feel so  relaxed and carefree about it all. I mean the apex of my two years (and two summers) in graduate school happens on Friday and I can barely bring myself to ‘study’. Though what I’m studying for actually alludes me to some degree (haha, there’s a pun in there somewhere).

I wrote some good blogs – one on compassion, one on teachers, one on what I’d rather be doing than sitting at Starbucks “studying,” and one last night (the topic escapes me at the moment, but I remember it having something to do with the seasons). Perhaps I should post these soon (once they’re typed, of course). And since I’ve been utterly lazy with most everything this week, it might take a while.

A thought: what is the opposite of senseless?

And to tie into a FB post earlier (this is for you, Janet, if you’re reading this and have sadly made it this far): Carrots that are still fresh after a long time means that I can eat them without throwing them (and money) away, like I do with almost all the produce I buy. Yet, I buy produce to eat healthy. It’s truly a catch-22.

I’m tired. Goodnight.

P.S. I didn’t really write about sleeping.

P.P.S. If I really wanted more than two blog readers, soon to be one, I’d really write better blogs – and with some frequency.